


The McDating Thief

by CaptainRivaini



Series: nobody mourns the wicked [5]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crack, F/F, F/M, Gen, Ladies of POI Art/Fic Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2015-07-26
Packaged: 2018-04-11 09:57:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4430855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainRivaini/pseuds/CaptainRivaini
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harper’s student life consisted of three things: trying to listen in class, faking friends and conning people out of their hard-earned money to buy her breakfast at McDonalds. </p>
<p>She just didn't realize how hard that would actually be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The McDating Thief

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually not too sure if this counts for Ladies of POI anymore because I accidentally forgot my deadline *sweats* But regardless, the prompt was: yellow!

Harper’s student life consisted of three things: trying to listen in class, faking friends and conning people out of their hard-earned money to buy her breakfast at McDonalds.

In her defence, it hadn’t been her idea but you would be surprised at how much getting a free breakfast in the early hours of the morning before college and class started was a great motivator to continue. Besides if Floyd was the one who suggested it, then she can’t actually take all the credit of going through with it, right? Totally Floyd’s fault.

She was failing Psychology anyway, she might as well enjoy the little perks in life.

“First you have to start up an account on this new app,” Floyd had told her, already typing in Harper’s details onto her phone while Harper struggled to understand the basics of whether sleeping after eating food would actually be beneficial to her lifestyle. Probably not. “It’s called Singles of Interest.”

Harper scoffed, tapping her head with the butt of her pencil. “Stupidest name ever.”

“Yeah well, _free_ breakfast Harper, now shut up and let me do your account.”

And that was how Harper found herself on the newest dating app in class, staring at the oncoming messages and wishing that this lecture would go faster so she could try out her newest scheme.

She had decided from the get go that having an alias would be a better idea than her real one and had decided to delete Floyd’s version of her account and simply make another, this time under the name Gwen Evans.

Gwen Evans was a boring tech geek, loved to look at the stars at night and write poetry in her spare time. Yet after a few (staged) photos added to her profile, Gwen was getting more love from random strangers in her area in less than a minute than Harper received in a year. Which was fine, sort of. She didn’t like people that much anyway unless they had something for her, and in this case it was free food at the big, yellow M.

Being a student was tough okay? You had to take every single opportunity and Harper was 100% sure she had practically wrote the dummy guide of being an opportunist in her sleep.

 

**-x-x-x-**

 

Her first victim was John ‘Call me Jesus’ Reese.

He seemed nice enough, and Gwen had definitely been a sucker for the salt n pepper look and lanky awkward mess that John seemed to appear in his profile picture. His messages were just as awkward but kind of sweet, and honestly it almost made Harper feel bad for the deceit that was sure to come tomorrow morning.

But thinking about the sausage, egg and cheese bagel really did kick that particular thought out of Harper’s perspective and instead only motivated her further in encouraging John to meet her at the nearest McDonalds to them both. She really couldn’t wait for that cheese bagel, and if this was going to send her to hell? She supposes the big G will understand that it was in fact all Floyd’s fault and let her pass to heaven anyway - he _was_ big on forgiveness after all.

Even if John did seem like he had been sent by God himself with how caring he was, asking more than five times if McDonalds was really the place she wanted to go for their ‘first ever date’ with a shy emoticon included. He seemed like a care bear practically, and Harper was kind of scared she was going to chicken the fuck out of this whole scheme when she finally met him.

It turned out that John was as sweet as she had expected him to be (though the suit thing was more than a little ridiculous) and flustered the moment she introduced herself to him as Gwen. His hand moved awkwardly like John wasn’t sure whether to go for a hug or a handshake. It was endearing enough until Harper spotted the breakfast menu, then her stomach rumbled and she was eager to get going and ditch John and his suit as fast as possible.

The moment ‘ _can I have some cash to buy us both something_ ’ left her lips Harper immediately hoped she didn’t come across as too obvious, and so widened her smile and batted her lashes as if that would somehow help.

John stared at her for a long time as if trying to suss her out. But eventually he caved, insisting that because of his gentlemanly ways he of course would pay for them both. Harper didn’t really care what made him give her the money, as long as he did.

She had told him to go get a table outside and giggled gleefully under her breath when he did just that.

Okay so you know what? She also was going to take all the credit for this idea. Fuck Floyd: this was just brilliant.

Harper quickly glanced over her shoulder to see John staring at his hands before he ran them through his hair, a nervous tick that was sort of cute. And partnered with how he breathed on his hand to check his breath…

Harper bit into her bagel to get rid of any unpleasantness she felt in her stomach and promptly made the decision that legging it out of the bathroom window in McDonalds was possibly the best escape route ever. From guilt and from the weirdly endearing suit clad date she was about to ditch.

She wasn’t even remotely mad about falling from the window and hurting her elbow in the process, especially when all she could think was this:

Profit!

 

**-x-x-x-**

 

Her second victim went by the name of Sameen Shaw.

Floyd scoffed as hard as she did when she told her but congratulated her on her first ‘kill’ with John, so to speak. Apparently the first always seemed like a let-down compared to the second and Harper absolutely wanted to know if that was true, because she was a complete hedonist like that and that cheese bagel had really hit the spot last time in ways she hadn’t thought possible. God knows what would happen when she ate her _second_ completely free breakfast.

Her alias this time was called Stacey Clyde and she had just recently moved into the area and was looking for someone to ‘talk to’ in order to get to know the town more. It was because of this profile that she received a message from Shaw, or from the looks of it, Shaw’s friend Joss who had set up herself and Shaw on a ‘friendly date’ in order to find Shaw friends. Because apparently she lacked in those.

Harper didn’t see the problem with that, she had been faking friends since the age of six years old and it had never done _her_ any harm.

But Stacey Clyde was a tough biker chick looking for a friend to commit social anarchy with and Sameen Shaw seemed to fit the bill. Even if it did take several attempts for Harper to actually reach the woman in question, who often only responded in short snappy sentences that made Harper feel she was trying to text her grandma rather than a girl the same age as herself.

And to be frank Harper seriously did not think for one second this would work up until the moment she suggested the location to meet up. Shaw’s tune surprisingly changed then and was much more willing to meet, but of course without telling Harper (or rather, Stacey Clyde) that this was ‘not a date’ and she was just there for the food.

Harper could relate: she was just there for the food too, though hers was free – that part was _especially_ important to remember.

Shaw was a harder nut to crack than John had been by far. The moment they had met Harper knew that trying to wriggle a free breakfast out of this one was going to take more than just batting her eyelashes, it would also take tact and incredible patience. And from the looks of the twitching glare that struggled to stay away from Shaw’s face as Harper talked, the less small talk the better to improve her ‘dates’ mood.

Also a quick tip: apparently commenting on the small height of your date wasn’t seen as funny either. In fact the threat of a big yellow M being rammed up your ass the next time it was mentioned actually did put a damper on things, but Harper smiled through gritted teeth regardless and reminded herself that the egg McMuffin sandwich was going to be worth it.

Getting Shaw to buy it for her, looking as annoyed as Harper felt, also took a lot more time than she had taken into consideration.

When she asked Shaw’s order so she could get it for her the other woman only looked offended, arching her brow and looking close to mortally wounding her. Though again Harper had to admit that may have had something to do with how she had rather blatantly looked the other woman up and down, almost as if to express her disbelief on Shaw being able to reach the desk to order in the first place. Either way? It was a no go.

“Come on, I swear it isn’t about your height.” She had assured after the millionth time, getting increasingly agitated that she would actually need to whip her money out and fail at getting her second free breakfast. “Just being nice, honest.”

“Yeah right, I’ve heard that before.” Shaw grumbled and Harper noticed that she was trying her damned hardest not to tilt her head up as high as she needed in order to reach Harper’s gaze, how cute. “What’d I say about that big yellow M anyway? Looks appealing to me right now…”

Harper held up her hands in defeat. “Fine! We can order our own breakfast and then go our separate ways.”

“Glad you see it _my_ way.” Shaw smirked and cocked her head to the side – and if Harper hadn’t been so sour at having to actually pay today she might have actually admitted her loins had ached a little back there. It didn’t excuse her from hearing Shaw’s muttering about ‘killing Joss for this’ as they both made their way into the barely moving zombie crowd of McDonald customers, eager for their first cup of coffee of the morning.

Shaw’s just finished her order (with Harper still trying not to make her glaring straight behind her look any more obvious) when a noise from outside caused such a distraction that it immediately drew the shorter woman’s attention. Which as it turned out, led to being the salvation that Harper needed when she saw that Shaw’s brow had scrunched together in fury and her eyes seemed dark, savage and ready to kill.

A tall, pale brunette stared back at Shaw with a smirk on her face that made Harper’s insides squirm. It seemed to have the same effect on Shaw but in a much more violent, aggressive manner that led to the shorter woman completely losing focus and shoving the money she had in her hand into Harper’s and storming outside to confront the woman.

Harper watched her go and tried to ignore the sound of harps and choir singing in such a way that she was sure was the production of her very overactive imagination.

The pimpled youth that had been taking Shaw’s order turned to look at her. “Uh, do you still want me to take that order for your friend?”

Harper grinned and felt the urge to go kiss Floyd on the mouth when she next saw her, thanking her lucky stars at this change of fate. “You know what? I think I’ll add another coffee to that order, thanks.”

In the end Harper ended up legging it out of the toilet window once again, landing on her ass this time with coffee burning her fingers and egg dripping from her lips.

Didn’t even matter, totally worth it.

“Kiss my ass, short-stack,” she muttered as she limped away from the McDonald’s restaurant, biting into her food with glee.

 

**x-x-x**

 

“Floyd I’m going to kiss you full on the mouth.” Harper told her friend halfway through Floyd’s shift at the Starbucks just near the college they both attended. “Literally, hold still. I’m coming in for the kill, _with_ tongue.”

Floyd stopped her halfway with a tut-tut sound that made Harper frown and protest that hey, she was in fact a very good kisser and just because she hadn’t had practice in years didn’t mean that she had gotten shoddy over time.

Floyd disagreed vehemently about that, “but that’s not the point. God, I knew I should have shown you how it was done, now look what’s happened!” And before Harper could protest, her friend had shoved her phone right under her nose to look down at a chat-room that had been created earlier in the week.

The name of said chat room? _The Dating McThief_ started up by HeroComplex101 on Monday, a few hours after…

Harper groaned and allowed her head to dip into Floyd’s shoulder and only returned from that location when she heard Floyd say, “If you think that’s bad then maybe you shouldn’t see the chat room at all.”

It didn’t take long for Harper to wrestle said phone out of Floyd’s grip and retreat to a spare table near a dark corner of the establishment, already browsing through the messages that had appeared a few hours after her first McHeist.

 

**HeroComplex101:** So I got ditched today in a McDonald’s by some girl who used me for my money in order to get free food. :/

**ST34K1LL3R:** Hah, loser.

**HeroComplex101:** Thanks for the support Shaw.

**ST34K1LL3R:** I don’t see why you don’t just shack up with Joss, or Harold. Or _Root._

**RootCause02:** Now _that’s_ just offensive.

**HeroComplex101:** I HAVE just been robbed you know, find your own chat room to do this!

**RootCause02:** We’re sorry for your loss, Lurch. I and Sam will be thinking of you during these troubling times.

**HeroComplex101:** I need better friends.

 

To Harper it didn’t seem so bad. The rest of the messages throughout that Monday were just well-wishers who offered John the best, as well as several misogynistic comments that John yelled at them for what seemed like hours on end. It looked to be a complete mess, but Harper felt oddly flattered at having so many people react to her schemes. It left a very nice feeling that Psychology didn’t and that was definitely _something_ to look at further in the future.

And then it got onto the messages received on Thursday morning and ST34K1LL3R popped up again, the name which caused a nagging feeling at the very back of Harper’s mind in that she knew it somewhere, and how-

Shit! Shaw! As in _Sameen Shaw?_

 

**ST34K1LL3R:** Hey Reese,you still use this stupid chat-room?

**HeroComplex101:** You called? What’s up Shaw?

**ST34K1LL3R:** Pretty sure I got ditched by the same woman you did. She was called Stacey Clyde for me, figures she’d use an alias for each theft she does.

**HeroComplex101:** How did she even manage that? Last I heard _you_ were the one who pickpocketed energy bars from kids walking away from the vending machine.

**ST34K1LL3R:** I was distracted, it happens sometimes. Rarely. But it happens.

**RootCause02:** It’s amazing what long legs can accomplish, John.

**ST34K1LL3R:** Root! You’re the reason why she managed to run off with my order in the first place!

**HeroComplex101:** Why am I not surprised?

**RootCause02:** Well kids, regardless of the reasoning behind this thievery. I guess you can both say…

**ST34K1LL3R:** Root…

**HeroComplex101:** What’s happening?

**RootCause02:** …that you _McFreakin’_ lost her.

**HeroComplex101** and **ST34K1LL3R** have both left the chat-room.

 

Harper closed the app, cupping her head and feeling the urge to throw Floyd’s phone in the nearest ocean. Not only did she have a very odd feeling that her free breakfast days were coming to an end (and for that she _was_ truly sorry) but honestly, that pun had completely finished her off and the urge to drink was ridiculously high.

When she returned the phone to Floyd the first thing she said was that Harper had to get out. This was becoming unhealthy, and she had only conned TWO people out of their breakfasts, which was…

“Only two? That’s completely lame, newbie.” Floyd smirked, taking the phone from Harper’s hand and pocketing it inside her apron. “When I first started out I at least got five before I was caught and had to move to another app.”

Harper inwardly cursed Floyd and her developed skill It felt like her ripping off John and Shaw was by good luck rather than any skill and that frustrated her to no end, made her feel as though everything she had done was out of luck, and luck could only go so far and it wasn’t something you could hone or make better.

Floyd continued to grin at her as she served other customers. It was a grin that raised Harper’s hackles faster than expected and left her wanting to prove her friend wrong, because after all, failing Psychology was a given, but this? She still had time to perfect it. Maybe if she did then she wouldn’t have to worry about the fact her mother was definitely going to kick her ass for failing, but perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to then explain that she had found her _real_ talent in…

Harper grimaced. Conning people. Who would have thought it?

When Floyd made her way back Harper reached into her apron to snatch the phone, a new alias already forming bit by bit in her head. She didn’t know the full works of her next move yet, but she most certainly was not going to move from this app until she had at least three more kills to her name!

 

**x-x-x**

 

Harper’s face met with the wall with such speed she was (pleasantly) surprised that her nose didn’t break in the process.

“Alright whatever I did I can probably pay you back!” Harper shouted, desperately pleading for the people passing by her and her attacker to step forward and get this idiot off her back. She had wanted to meet her newest victim outside of Starbucks this time in order for Floyd to see her in action, but apparently, according to her new friend over here, that wasn’t going to be happening any time soon.

Blonde locks of hair tickled her nose as soft, cherry scented lips came into Harper’s range of view, pulled back into a smirk. “What’s your name?”

The voice was smug, as if it knew something Harper didn’t and immediately it set warning bells off. There was something about how this woman was pressing into her, hand tight against her waist, that made Harper’s teeth grind together and a growl of annoyance escape past her lips. She was thinking of a way to throw her off, and so when she eventually attempted it Harper was disappointed to find that this lady had some incredible strength to her, enough to push her back against the wall ten times harder.

“Are you a cop or something?!” She yelled, pain making her lose control of her voice to raise it loudly in anger. When she didn’t get an answer Harper sighed, rolling her eyes and forced out her words angrily. “Harper Rose. Now can you fuck…-“

“Frankie Wells,” her attacker whispered, sending a shiver down Harper’s spine and a realization that made her scrunch her eyes shut, feeling dread fill her up right to her lungs.

“Shit, listen…” Harper started to say, recognizing the name instantly as her latest victim who she had had every intention of conning to get her free breakfast this Sunday morning. There was so many excuses she had already on the tip of her tongue but none seemed worthy of saying, especially when from the looks of it this woman had no intention at all in letting Harper get away from her without some kind of answer. “I know you’re…”

A hand went around her wrists and before Harper knew it was she cuffed, her body held tightly around the waist as the blonde spun her around with a devilish look on her features that Harper knew not to trust. “You know,” the blonde said, edging closer, “when you told me your name was Maxine Parker I had a feeling something wasn’t right. There was something different…and I’m sure you had the exact same profile image as Stacey Clyde a few days ago.”

Harper doubted that, she made sure everything about her was different on that page. But what she didn’t doubt was that the duo that apparently knew each other (rookie mistake, she admitted with a roll of her eyes) had planted this idiot blonde here, looking to get her into trouble and if she was honest, doing very well at getting through that part of the plan.

If Harper could have, she would have held her hands up in surrender but instead she settled on merely spitting angrily at the other woman. “Alright whatever, you got me. Now _let_ me go asshole because no way you’re a cop.”

Frankie, obviously not used to being called out from the stiff upper lip she sported at the accusation, shook her head. “I might not be a cop but I’m a bounty hunter.”

Harper snorted and took in the other woman, the _much_ younger woman who didn’t look a day past nineteen. _‘Yeah,’_ she thought, _‘sure you’re a bounty hunter just like I’m a law-abiding citizen.’_ When she decided to voice that particular thought Harper couldn’t help but laugh again at the flush that coloured Frankie’s cheeks and how quick the other woman moved towards her, grabbing her wrists to uncuff her.

When the woman’s cheek brushed her own Harper couldn’t help but snigger, feeling that maybe _(just maybe)_ she would be able to get out of this situation completely intact without the worry of being chased all over New York by some homicidal blonde named Frankie Wells.

“Fine, I’m not a bounty hunter,” Frankie admitted, red-faced. Harper continued to smirk until the blonde playfully punched her in the shoulder, furious blue eyes glued to her face. “But I thought maybe if I could nab you then they would let me sign up. I’ve been kicked out of college and I need a job and I saw from a chat room people were being scammed out of their money, so…”

Harper snorted. Again. “What, you thought that collecting a con-artist who scams people out of breakfast would be a good first find?”

“Hey! It was better than nothing!” Frankie snapped back with a growl, arms crossed in annoyance. It didn’t last long of course, the blonde eventually realized how stupid she sounded and quickly unfolded her arms with an angry pout. “Fine, what, you going to scam me out my breakfast now?”

Harper found that particular thought hilarious considering that in all honesty there was no point really in trying to scam Frankie now. She was many things but stupid had never been fitted onto her and she most certainly didn’t plan to allow it to happen now.

That was definitely what explained why she sighed, took a step forward and gave the other woman her (surprisingly full) wallet. “Come on loser,” Harper said with a shrug, “you said I looked hot in my profile and that’s why you wanted to meet, and unless that was a lie…” Harper’s grin widened at the glare and red cheeks shot her way, a telling sign by itself. “Guess I can take us on an actual breakfast date.”

Frankie’s eyes almost bugged from her head even as she looked down at the wallet full of money in her hands. She looked back up, and then back down again with a shake of her head as if slowly trying to gather her thoughts, that or gather up the strength to punch Harper in the face.

Harper closed her mouth and gritted her jaw - she happened to like her teeth and refused to risk it.

“You kidding me around, asshole?” Frankie warned, looking as intimidating as a small bunny rabbit with her puffy cheeks and glare. “Because I’m warning you, you try and rob me…”

“I gave you my wallet, didn’t I?” Harper snapped, irritated and hungry. “Jesus, either follow me or don’t because I’m fucking hungry and want some food.”

Harper, not wanting to wait a second longer for Frankie to get her shit together, turned to go head into the café that Frankie had decided beforehand. She had no idea what the hell was in there but she was craving bacon and tomatoes, maybe with some fried toast and…

An arm grabbed her wrist, slowing her to a halt.

“Wouldn’t go in there if I was you,” Frankie warned, blue eyes alight with meaning that actually made Harper’s heart skip a little. “Really, would _not_ recommend it.”

Unable to stop rolling her eyes at the blonde Harper moved to face her head on, growing even more annoyed by the second. “Jesus Barbie, what’s the big deal?! I gave you my wallet already-!”

Frankie pressed a hand to her mouth, cutting her off and pulling her in by the cuff of her jacket until they were nose to nose.

“I kinda invited all the people you SCAMMED in there, so if you want to go in there and get your ass kicked by all of them…” Frankie trailed off, the first grin of the day making her cheeks stretch with discomfort. “Then be my guest. They are all looking to kick your ass, especially the short stack.”

Harper couldn’t help it, she laughed. It was one thing to plan to take her to a bounty hunter, but it was quite another to plan an event and get all the people she had scammed right along with Frankie into one small café – all in order to kick her ass into the next century.

She continued laughing even as she tried to speak, giggling and snorting and trying hard not to admit to herself that in reality, Harper was kind of impressed at this dedication. “Wow. You really were going to throw me the wolves, huh?”

Frankie shrugged and tugged Harper’s sleeve, pulling the other woman in beside her. “Yeah well, wanted a job and to kick your ass.”

“You really care about my ass, don’t you?” Harper replied, following Frankie away from the café and danger.

“For selfish reasons,” Frankie assured with a shrug and a bite to her bottom lip. “Wouldn’t want anyone to kick your face in, for example.”

“Aww,” Harper screwed up her face into a playful pout. “You do care.”

“Jesus do you ever shut up? Come on, we’re going for breakfast.”


End file.
